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A letter in Gil's bag

Dear Gil,

I'm tucking this into your clothes, so that when you go to get stuff out on the tour you'll discover this and think about me and how much I'm missing you. It's funny, as I'm writing this, you're sleeping right there but I'm already missing you just thinking about you going. I need to be here, you need to be there. That's just the way it is, but it doesn't make it easier. We can't say that enough, to ourself and each other, can we? I know, I know...

So I'm going to be concentrating on getting the apartment fixed up, so the lamps won't be all lonely. They need other furniture to blend in with. And we need dishes to make dinners on, and drapes for the windows, and a real bed and sheets. Maybe a bathmat and a shower curtain for the bathroom with fishes on them, or some other classic bathroom motifs. It'll be just like a home. Your home. Our home.

This doesn't feel like the end of anything. As much as I'm going to miss you, it doesn't even feel like the end of our time together - it's like a pause, maybe between the chapters of our stories there's a long line break and this is it. You know stuff happens in between, but it's not what you think about it - it's just waiting for the story to pick up again. Maybe I'm not making much sense because it's the middle of the night, but I wanted you to have something to read and hold in your hands, something to keep with you.

When I was a little girl, I used to dream about my future boyfriend like all girls do. I used to imagine all these things about him - what kind of car he'd drive, what he'd wear, what we'd wear to our wedding. But I never could imagine the boy clearly- couldn't focus on it. Now every dream of the future has your face, speaks in your voice. I just thought you should know.

I love you more than anything. I've come to realize that I'm not staying behind because of school, or because of my family obligations, or my job. Not that, none of that matters so much anymore... I'm staying behind for you. So you have a place that's separate from all the madness of this sudden fame, so you have a place to come back to, a place that will keep you grounded. So you've got your home. It's all for you.



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July 2006
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